Replace Resolutions with Solutions: Homework Help
If your child struggles with things like time management, procrastination, missing or late assignments, forgetfulness, and even resistance to help,
there’s a good chance that homework time in your house is one of your least favorite parts of the day.
I’ve heard from many parents who tell me they feel awful admitting that the homework process has become so chaotic and adversarial in their house, they sometimes dread being home in the evenings.
If you can identify with any of it, I can’t stress enough that you are far from alone. The homework process requires levels of executive functioning that match the demands your child is contending with. We’re seeing increasing rates of reported executive function difficulties in recent years as a result of increasing anxiety, depression, stress around academics and social dynamics, intensifying academic requirements and competition for college admission, and of course, the pandemic.
And by the way, it’s estimated that around 40-45% of parents understandably don’t really know what executive function is. You can think of it as the processing that must happen in your brain in order to independently do things like organize, pay attention, prioritize, and manage time and deadlines, for example. It’s what helps us maintain helpful perspectives and manage our reactions and emotions. And your child needs it to manage homework.
Which brings us back to our objective. Make these 3 simple shifts to help end the stress (and let’s be honest…the misery) surrounding homework time.
Eliminate emotion
If you find yourself constantly asking your child if they completed tasks or
assignments, they’re more likely to respond with a “yes” more often than “no,”
regardless of the truth. When this happens, you’re probably getting angry. But hear me out. It’s a big ask to expect a child who already struggles with homework to muddle through it, only to have to return to it so they can show it to you, leaving themselves vulnerable to re-dos and corrections. I know your intentions are not bad. But I’m pretty sure I’ve never met a kid that tolerates this well, to say the least. (And since we’re being honest, if you tried to make me do that, I’d probably resort to drastic measures to avoid you, too.)
Here’s how to do it:
Have a short conversation with your child before they start working on assignments. While it’s very common for kids to be resistant to help, assure them that if they’re willing to have this easy and emotion-free conversation with you, you will commit to only talking about academics during this designated discussion. No more texts from you in the middle of the day, demanding to know why there is a missing assignment or problematic grade in the electronic grade book. No more threats, punishments, heavy sighs, eye rolls, or annoyed facial expressions. (You probably know exactly what I mean.)
Forgive yourself and your child for past interactions, and start fresh with the understanding that if your child could easily knock their homework out, turn in quality assignments on time, and move on to enjoy their success and free time, that’s what they would do. We all would. They need time and help to develop the skills that make homework feel manageable. Your role is strictly to supportively problem-solve. Your role is not to judge mistakes or infuse emotion into the equation.
Check your child’s memory together
If your child often assures you they do not have homework, only to realize (too late) that they actually DID have homework–pay attention to this one! As you sit with your child for this short daily check-in, ask your child in a light, easy-breezy tone to recall what has been assigned, and then check for accuracy together.
Here’s how to do it:
Your tone and demeanor are critical in this conversation. If you sound incredulous or are reactive to your child’s mistakes, it will feel to your child that you are untrusting and judgmental. If they were reluctant to engage in this discussion with you at all to begin with, any perception that you may respond with emotion, making what was already difficult even more difficult, can quickly end their willingness to participate. Use language like ‘we’ and ‘let’s’ to create a collaborative tone, rather than a directive one.
For example, instead of responding with, “Are you sure you don’t have any homework? Get out your planner and check again,” you might say, “Ok, no homework? Nice! Let’s double check that in (Google Classroom/your planner/etc). I’ll pull that up on the laptop and we can double check together.”
If you do this together for each of your child’s classes, you will conclude this
conversation with a verified task list, minimizing the chances of late and missing assignments.
Ask the same 5 questions every day for each class
While quite simple, this is one of the most valuable strategies I teach parents. Improving executive function requires the brain to functionally and structurally change. Brain change requires repetition, intensity and consistency. So each day, you will ask your child the same 5 questions, moving through each class in the same order. As you do, you will be helping your child think through the process you are completing together, eventually allowing them to move from simply checking off tasks to adopting the mental processing required to tackle their homework independently.
*A note here: parents are often quick to assume they should not be assisting so much, and revert quickly back to giving their child directives. Trust me here. There is no need to worry that you’re doing any harm by leading the process as you do the writing for your child, you handle pulling up websites and typing emails while your child looks on, talking and thinking through it with you. Remember, your goal is not assigning tasks. It is guiding your child through a thought process that will eventually lead to their own identifying of tasks. Adding extra things to focus on, such as writing, interrupts that process, so find peace in handling the tedious parts of the process.
Here’s how to do it:
Ask your child the following 5 questions every day for each class, and then prioritize and plan accordingly together with your child.
What are you learning?
What do you have for homework tonight?
Are there any outstanding assignments (not due yet)? (These are the long term assignments like projects, packets, etc)
Are there any missing or late assignments to address?
Are there any tests or quizzes coming up?
Remember, you will both be sitting in front of resources like Google Classroom/Canvas/etc, the electronic gradebook, a planner, etc, and you will not move on to the next question until you’ve checked together for accuracy.
Now, I know very well that parents and students are often contending with obstacles beyond what will be solved with these 3 strategies. But if you focus on the three strategies detailed above, you will experience more peace at home and more positive interactions with your child. And by implementing a more structured approach, you’ll quickly see that problems are more-easily spotted, understood, and can be more efficiently solved.
Last thing! I’m so excited to tell you that I’ve made homework time even easier for you with my easy-to-follow, self-paced course, Homework Help SOS Online Course for Parents. The course contains everything you need, including my Executive Function Weekly Academic Planner, The Five Questions and Planning Worksheets, demo videos, instructional lessons, a quick-start guide, and a fact sheet to help guide you through the most frequently asked questions I get from parents. To learn more and grab your spot, visit https://efplaybook.mykajabi.com/homework-help-sos-complete-planning-system.
While you’re there, be sure to add your name to the list to receive free content, guides and resources. I’ll also notify you when my Executive Function Playbook for Parents comprehensive online course opens for enrollment. This course builds on the Homework Help SOS system, and will help you learn to address those additional obstacles your child may be facing with academics.